It’s great weather outside. Overcast. Breezy. Cold. Just how I like it. I am definitely going to miss this weather as it gets closer to summer. It’s just gorgeous, relaxing weather, but I guess everyone has a different perspective of what is beautiful. I want to live in a place like this that is year around. With the occasional days of sun shine, haha.
Spring break was great. Extremely relaxing and chill, which is exactly what I needed after finals week. I passed all my classes and now I’m ready for a new quarter. I have got a few goals in mind, and I feel like it has become necessary to reach those goals this quarter.
My birthday was nice as well. It’s kind of weird thinking that I am 19. I was just getting used to the idea of being 18. It’s kind of scary though, thinking that this will be my last year as being a “teen” and then my teen years and everything before that will be a memory. Gone. Forever. It’s cool to be almost 20 and everything, but I am not ready to let my teen years go. I feel like it’s being taken from me, and that’s just not fair. So it’s kind of bitter sweet. Growing older and experiencing more things, but that just means my time on this Earth, more time anyway, is slipping away fast.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”—
I really should not care at all, but I do. And no matter what anyone says, whether it is, “no point in dwelling on the past,” or “focus on right now,” or “you’re just being immature,” it all doesn’t matter because it still hurts. It’s all very unreasonable for me to be upset, I am just as guilty, but it’s beyond how much of hypocrite I am being because I have already established and accepted that. So yeah, I obviously don’t handle things in the best way, but it works for me, so I’m going to deal with this the way I fucking want to. There is literally nothing that can be done to make this situation any better, which is the worst part of this whole thing. I just have to wait and feel like shit until it doesn’t hurt, and then it’ll all probably start hurting again a few days later. How infuriating.
I feel like I have to section myself off from the world. Everyone. Everything. Nothing but negatives seem to come creeping into my life these days. This all just leads back to being numb. Numb myself to everything. That’s the only thing left to do. To focus on myself. And when the time comes, deal with all of this crap again, just with a stronger me.
"Train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose." -Yoda
That seems like the only rational way to have complete control over my life. Or at least, that’s the general idea. Definitely will be working on that from now on.
numb: lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent
I could not have said it better myself. I feel numbed off from the world. I don’t feel anything. I literally am indifferent towards everything. After every emotion, it just turns into numbness. Feeling things just gets overrated at some point. Being numb towards everything seems to be the most efficient way to live right now.
Photography is a true art. The ability to capture a memorable moment on film and keep it for years to come. But \the ability to abuse such a wonderful and sacred thing such as photography and picture taking has become so easy.
It’s one thing to capture a moment to reminisce, it’s another thing to force and create a moment to project the idea that you’re doing something with your life, or to give off the false impression that you’re life is superior to someone else’s.
There is a significant difference between those who have a fantastic life and only have a few great photos to look back on because for the most part all details and memories are sustained in your head, and those who have numerous mediocre photos to create the illusion of a false life of “happiness” in hopes to imply to others that they are content with their lives, but in reality have no real memories to appreciate. Your life is nothing but lies and emptiness.
Who are you trying to kid? You’re not fooling anyone but yourself.
You know, that feeling when, you can’t explain what is wrong, and honestly, might not even know what is wrong. You just know that something is really wrong. Yeah. I hate that feeling. You don’t know how to fix whatever is wrong, where to begin to start fixing whatever is wrong because you just don’t know what is wrong or how to really rationalize what the problem is.
I hate crying. But sometimes, it just helps (and sometimes, there is nothing else you can really do). To cry it out. To cry it all out until there is literally no tears left. That moment of utter despair when you are crying so hysterically for just a few minutes, that you can hardly control yourself. Yeah, it definitely helps. But it most certainly does not make the problem go away.
Whatever the problem is…
It’s all a mind game. Life is just one big mind game. Everything you see, you feel, it’s all in your head. You feel pain because you brain tells you that something is painful. You feel emotional hurt because your mind tells you that it something to feel upset over. You see and touch things based on what the mind tells you what it is. You taste things based on what your brain tells you what you THINK it should taste like. It’s all one big mind game.
Sometimes,I just want to quit completely. This mind wretched mind game. It sounds really nice to be numb. To have my mind be numb to everything. The ultimate idea of “peace of mind”. Nothing to feel. Nothing to think. Just being.
This is something that I rarely ever am. I have a lot of strong opinions with a loud mouth that is not afraid to state those opinions. I am very outspoken, and generally always find the words to express what is on my mind. My thoughts and opinions are usually very clear and precise. The way I have always seen things is that words were created, solely to express your thoughts, so being speechless is almost in a sense, unacceptable in my eyes. Therefore, when I am speechless, it means whatever caused it must have been one hell of a cause.
But I have noticed, more and more lately, that being speechless is not as rare as it used to be. I find myself scrambling to find the right words to try to describe my jumbled up thoughts when I’m around him. He just does that to me. And that is quite shocking. That is a skill that should be commended, even if I am the only person who can recognize that. But I guess it makes sense. The only person who can consistently bring my words to a halt, who can bring my train of thoughts to a complete stop, who can completely turn around my opinions and way of seeing things, is the person I am absolutely in love with. The only person who can leave me speechless, without a word to fend for myself.
My words and thoughts are my ultimate form of a guard. My main source of protection. And he’s the only one who can bring all those walls of protection crumbling down. It has come to the point where I have no walls left for him to tear down, and I have no intentions on putting any back up.
When one hears the words “changing lanes,” their mind automatically thinks of driving, and whatever else that is related to that. But changing lanes can symbolize so much more than just driving on a freeway.
I see it as an analogy. Your life is the freeway. You are the driver in the car. The car is your comfort zone/protection. The lanes are different stages in your life.
You start out driving in your nice new car. Everything is all good and well in the first lane. But you get to a point where you need to change lanes and move onto the next part of your life. So you check all your blind spots, make sure it is safe for you to switch over, and you make it safe. However, as you keep driving down the freeway of your life, you need to keep changing lanes to get to where you’re trying to go. Every now and then you get comfortable, and you think that you don’t need to be as careful when moving onto the next lane because you are a little more experienced. But you don’t see an oncoming car and you skid against it briefly and pull back into your initial lane. Your car/comfort zone/protection is a little dinged up, but for the most part okay. You’re a little shaken up, but you really need to change lanes to get to the next part of your life. So you have learned your lesson, thoroughly check to make sure it is safe to cross over, and then you’re in the next lane.
You have learned your lesson with one obstacle, but now you need to get to the furthest lane, and it’s heavy traffic. A lot of things going on, hard to focus, getting frustrated because you just want to be where you need to be! So you get road rage, you get mad, annoyed, sad, and you make an irrational decision and just go for it. You get into a crash. You’re off on the side of the freeway. Not sure if you are okay. You’re car is banged up. You get some help from the police, helping you with the damage. And you are trying to decide, can you get back on the road and get to your desired place? Or can you just not make it, and accept the failure. Give into your fear of getting into another collision?
This is where a lot of people get stuck, where a lot of people are just too scared or don’t think they can handle the pressure or whatever other reason that they come up with. This is a perfect analogy of peoples’ lives. Maybe not in that same order, or not to the same severity or maybe not as severe, but nevertheless it is applicable to many peoples’ lives.
Well regardless of all the dangers, all the hits to my protection and comfort zone I am going to take, all of the accidents I’ll get into, and all the help I am going to get/need, I will never let anything get in the way of where I am heading on my freeway of life. I will learn, grow, and succeed. I’m going places… now all that is really left to wonder is, who is going to be in the car with me to come along for the ride?