How did I get here? A sophomore in college with no idea where I am going or who I am going to be. I get so sick and tired of people saying crap like, “if you don’t like your life, change it” and “stop complaining, you have it so much better than others.” Lets get one thing straight, I have not and will never settle to find happiness in anything less than what truly makes me happy. I know what makes me happy, and that’s it. If banal things make you happy, that’s completely fine, have a mediocre life. But I refuse to sink down to your level and be okay with having mundane and purely prosaic existence. I am fully aware that I am blessed.
I am fully aware that I am capable of changing my life. But I’m what you call a realist (in most cases anyway) and completely changing someone’s life doesn’t go without time or money. Both of which I do not have any of at the moment. And things usually end up being more complicated from where I started anyway, so I’m good off all that optimistic 12 year old myspace quotes crap. I am simply, going through the motions. I want to ease into the changes, not force them. That way I’ll know that they are supposed to be happening. But, needless to say, it is hard to sit here so restlessly keeping an eye out for those opportunities with such horrifyingly stupid/annoying/frustrating people polluting your life when you know there is something so much more grand waiting for you and you are ready for it now! I guess I am just at a stand still in my life, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. Waiting for the next step to reveal itself to me so I can take it head on.
I’m living my life day by day, taking everything as it comes. Slowly pushing forward and keeping my head up, waiting patiently for opportunities to unveil themselves.
Life is one big test. And I am failing it like every other test I've taken.
I find it hard to care about anything anymore these days. And the things I do care about just don’t seem to want me to care anymore. Thus, I stop caring. It gets difficult putting an effort into things you don’t even know if you want. It gets difficult putting an effort into things you don’t even know will be worth putting in the effort for.
You know, life has never been easy. Who is it really ever easy for? I’m definitely blessed. But I have had my share of hardships and I reached a point where I thought whoever is up there would just throw me a bone, give me a break every now and then. But now my faith is dissipating and it’s getting harder to maintain a grasp on things. I’m slowly becoming a prisoner to my dreams and fantasies because those seem to be the only things nowadays that I can cling onto in hope to have control over. They are the only things I can depend on to not disappoint, the only things that ever go according to plan.
I find that vaguely pathetic that I am absolutely miserable with my existence. But in case I didn’t make it clear in the beginning, I’ve tried and failed too many times, been pushed far too close to the ledge and put effort into too many things that never really mattered to honestly give a shit anymore.
I just do not care anymore.
But I have always promised myself that I will never put up with what I do not deserve. And I do not deserve this. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. And since I have no luck, I’m going to make my own. Although I am at my wit’s end, I have reached that point where it seems like there is nothing left I can do but take a good look at my life, figure out what I want, what I deserve, how to get there and leave behind the rest. Just going to leave it all behind and start fresh. No baggage, just essentials. Leave behind the things that weigh me down now, power through the things that try to weigh me down in the future and get to those points in my life where it will be better than my dreams and fantasies. Because I know they are out there, I just need to shed the unnecessary things in my life to get to the things that are necessary faster.